Build your child’s S.E.L.F. Esteem

S = Support your child in his/her risk-taking behaviors. Self esteem comes from feelings of success at accomplishing difficult tasks. These tasks will differ for each child, based on their age and developmental ability. Each child should be their own measure. Do not compare your child with other children. Any effort towards mastery of a difficult project, job, or skill should be verbally praised regardless of whether it was accomplished correctly, perfectly, or even completely. Start with the child and praise the effort and then encourage the child to do more.

E = Evaluate your child’s strengths and weaknesses. This may or may not be discussed with children depending on their ability to tolerate self-evaluation. Work on problem solving skills and look at difficult areas of their personality or behavior as “areas for growth.” Keep your focus on solutions and don’t dwell long on failures. Reframe a mistake as and effort for change, praising that effort. Identify ways to improve in the future.

L = Lower your expectations and don’t compare your child to others. Many children avoid effort to avoid failure. Their reasoning is that “If you don’t try, you don’t fail.” Of course if you don’t try, you don’t grow either. Set the standard for your child at the lowest level possible with the intent of raising it gradually over time. Lowering expectations doesn’t mean you are letting your child get away with something or that they have won the manipulation game. It merely puts you and the child in a win/win position. You can then build from those successes. Read up on developmentally appropriate tasks and chores for children. What is normal
for the age of your child? Many parents communicate to children as if they were little adults. Children are different in their physiology and psychology.

F = Feelings are a valid regardless of how negative they might be and should be acknowledged by the parent. This does not give permission for children to act out in inappropriate ways. Typical feelings will be frustration, anger, anxiety, and depression. If these feelings debilitate the child’s ability to function in school or at home, consult with a professional. Ongoing communication will allow feelings to be expressed more readily. Closed communication or one-sided communication (lecturing, analyzing, criticizing, etc.) will decrease motivation to express feelings and create lower feelings of self-esteem.

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6 Ways to Deal with Eating Problems

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Parents have been asking me about how to manage problems with feeding your infant or young child. Taking a positive, patient approach to feeding allows children to develop a healthy attitude to food and encourage them to eat on their own. Here are six quick ideas getting children to eat:

1. Be flexible about eating times but try to work around a consistent schedule.
2. Seat your child straight up and facing forward in their chair.
3. Sit with your child while your child eats or stay close by. don’t leave your child unattended.
4. Allow very young children to touch their food and eat with their fingers.
5. Let the child feed themselves as much as possible and decide how much to eat.
6. Introduce new foods gradually and don’t worry about picky eaters. find healthy substitutes for foods your child does not like.

Share your successes and struggles…click the comment link below!

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Travel on the cheap…

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This great article clip give families some useful ideas about how to have a frugal, fun vacation. The “Frugal Family Traveler” click shows how to keep a budget, regardless if you are doing on a Disney vacation, vacation in Hawaii, backyard vacation, or some other vacation destinations. Enjoy your vacations. Read on to get all the tips…

clipped from www.mommysavers.com The Frugal Family Traveler:  Tips for Vacationing on a Budget Summer is here, and for many of you that means it is time to plan the annual vacation. Traveling is one of our family’s favorite things to do. What we do on vacation has certainly changed for my wife and I since our daughter was born. One thing that hasn’t changed is the excitement of traveling to new places and seeing new things; especially through the eyes of our kids.  I’d like to share with you some tips we have picked up during our travels. Hopefully they will help you enjoy your vacation a little bit more.

Parental Alienation Syndrome: Does it exist?

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As a family therapist for almost two decades I have worked with a lot of parent who are consumed with anger towards one another. Without a doubt, the ones who suffer the most are the children. They are collateral damage in the war of mom against dad. In this scenario, no one really wins.

This youtube video talks about PAS or Parental Alienation Syndrome. While there is no official diagnosis for this in the Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, the act of downgrading the other parent in front of the child is all too common.

LAWYERS.COM LISTS THESE “Warning Signs of Parental Alienation”:

“How can you tell if your ex is attempting to alienate your child? Here are some warning symptoms psychologists have observed in children suffering from parental alienation syndrome, according to Dr. Douglas Darnall, Ph.D:

• Giving a child a choice as to whether or not to visit with the other parent.
• Telling the child details about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce.
• Refusing to acknowledge that the child has property and may want to transport possessions between residences.
• Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities.
• One parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend or boyfriend.
• Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child’s needs, or scheduling the child in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit.
• Assuming that if a parent has been physically abusive with the other parent, it follows that the parent will assault the child. This assumption is not always true.
• Asking the child to choose one parent over the other.
• The alienating parent encouraging any natural anger the child has toward the other parent.
• A parent or stepparent suggesting changing the child’s name or having the stepparent adopt the child.
• When the child cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or gives reasons that are vague and without any details.
• Using a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent’s own use.
• Arranging temptations that interfere with the other parent’s visitation.
• Reacting with hurt or sadness to a child having a good time with the other parent.
• Asking the child about the other parent’s personal life.
• Physically or psychologically rescuing a child when there is no threat to their safety.
• Making demands on the other parent that are contrary to court orders.
• Listening in on the child’s phone conversation with the other parent.”

What are your thoughts about this disorder? How do you stop it when it occurs?

clipped from www.youtube.com Watch Video

Organizational tips for ADHD Children

Having an ADHD child often means MESS for mom and dad. Here’s some great tips and tools for keeping them slightly more organized:

1. Give specific instructions. “Put away the toys on your carpet on the shelf in the closet.” Be consistent — if the toys are stored on the shelf one night, they should be put there every night. Children need to know precisely what you expect.
2. Assign tasks that your child is capable of doing on his own. Success builds confidence. The goal is to teach your child to do things independently.
3. Involve your child in discussions about rules and routines. It will help him understand goals and teach him to accept responsibility.
4. Write down routines as sequences of tasks (two to five items only), and post where easily visible (refrigerator, bathroom mirror). Review lists regularly with your child.
5. Be realistic about time. Make sure you’ve set aside enough time for the child to complete his homework, clear the dishes, and get out the door in the morning. If the original time frame is leaving you five minutes shy, add five minutes.
6. Expect gradual improvement. It takes time to change old habits and form new ones.
7. Praise effort — not just results. If your child set the table but forgot napkins, acknowledge that she’s trying. Reward good behavior more often than you punish bad.
8. Allow for free time in daily routines. Kids — and adults — need downtime.
9. If your child isn’t taking to the routine, seek help from a counselor who specializes in ADHD. A pro can help get you on track.
10. Stay focused on the long-term goals. Above all, don’t give up!

Share your ideas about how you have helped your child (or you) with ADD/ADHD…click the comment link!

clipped from suescheffblog.com Sue Scheff – Top 10 Routine Builders: Organization Help for ADHD Children Create better structure with our organization help for children with ADHD. by Peter Jaksa, Ph.D.

Twitter and FaceBook Ruining Family Time?

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Katherine Lee, from About.com, recently commented that families quality time together is getting shorter…perhaps due to the rise of social media. Are you and your children spending too much time on the computer vs. time together? How to you make sure the kids (or mom) are interacting with the use of IM? Share with us your thoughts and parenting tools.

clipped from childparenting.about.com What are your family’s computer-use habits? According to a new poll, families are spending less time with each other and more time online. The survey of over 2,000 people found that 28 percent reported spending less face-to-face time with family members — nearly triple the numbers of people who said the same thing in a similar 2006 survey. The survey, conducted by the Annenberg Center for the Digital Future at the University of Southern California, also found a rise in the numbers of people feeling ignored by family members who use the internet, as well as an increase in concern that children are spending too much of their time online. One possible culprit behind the erosion of family time may be the growing popularity of social networking sites, say researchers. Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace boast hundreds of millions of subscribers, and many are kids.

Can you manage time really?

Image via Wikipedia

How does your family manage time? What does the juggling of work and family look like for you…I remember when my kids were little. It was Heck! As you can see from this clip, managing time is really about managing life. That comes down to choices. Sometimes, hard choices… Share your thoughts.

clipped from www.yourgreatmind.com There is no such thing as “time management.” The word manage means to hold, mold, shape or form, influence or have direct control over – NONE of which you can do with time. You can’t hold or mold time, you cannot shape it or form it, you cannot influence time (make it go faster, or slow it down and save it for later) nor can you control time.

Seven Steps to Criticize Your Kids

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How do you give your child feedback without sound mean or nasty? How do you tell them how to improve without them getting defensive or angry? Is it possible to criticize your child in a constructive manner?

There is such a way and it is not a secret. Most parents learned how to parent from their own parents. And what they learned about communicating to children was probably inadequate. No fault of our parents really, they just passed on what they learned to us.

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So now it is time to break the chain of improper feedback. Here are some quick steps to criticizing your children and have them thank you for it (well, at least they won’t all mutiny on you!)

Step one. Describe what you see to be the problem without attacking the child, judging him, or moralizing. This will turn your child off, if not away from you, for sure. Get on the right foot with your child.

Step two. Make your feedback as specific and concrete as possible. Generalities don’t give any clear direction how to correct the problem and can quickly become a personality issue.

Step three. Give feedback when the child is most ready to hear it. Look for the best time (there usually is no perfect time) to talk to your child. Is he a morning or evening person? Should you give feedback during his favorite television show or after? Should you wait days or hours before you tell him or should you try to deliver it as soon as possible?

Step four. Check out if your child understands what you are saying. Ask them to repeat what they heard you say to decide if they are right on or way off base. If they got it wrong (”You want the leaves picked up in the front lawn only”) or read into it a personal attack (”You HATE the way I racked the leaves”) don’t react, just repeat it again. If you did say “hate” or the “front lawn” by mistake, then correct yourself and say it over.

Step five. Give feedback in small doses. Too much information or detail will overwhelm the child and gain no cooperation.

Step six. Use “I” statements at the beginning of each criticism. Instead of saying, “You didn’t come home when you were suppose to” try “I was worried about you when you didn’t come home when asked.” Although both are correct, the second example is less likely to get a defensive reaction.

Step seven. If your child still feels that you are being mean, cruel, or unreasonable, ask for a neutral person to give you feedback. Accept their constructive criticism and change accordingly. You could ask them to read the first six steps before hand.

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Divorce Dad’s Dilemna

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Q: Dear Ron

I have a 15-year-old son who has always lived with his mother except for last year when he lived with me. His mother had moved away four years ago, and last year he decided he wanted to be with his brother and his roots. His mother moved back last summer, and he went back to living with her. In the year he lived with me, he almost never missed school, and had grades good enough to be accepted into advanced placement classes in High School. Since going back to his mother, he has been put on both Prozac (which she is on) and Trazodone by a Family Physician, though he has never seen a Psychologist or Psychiatrist. His mother says he has depression, though the Dr.’s. Diagnosis is “fatigue.” He was put on scholastic probation in the fall, and in the spring semester missed 21 of the first 24 days of school and lost all credit. His mother says it is all for “illness,” though she and he hid it from me, and finally admitted to me in one phone conversation that it was due to his depression. Himself then put him in a special program for kids with attendance problems where he works all afternoon on a computer, and for this he will get partial credit for the semester. I only found out about the problems at school very recently. He and his mother conspired to hide it from me, and I only found out the truth when I called the school. In addition, he has no friends his own age. Instead, he is hanging out–at his own home–with his older brother’s old High School friends–who are 19 to 21 years old, even though his older brother is away at college, and at this point is not even allowed at his mother’s house. I know for a fact most of these kids smoke pot and am fairly sure that he is smoking with them. He does not have regular hours, often staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning (his special school starts at 1 p.m.), and he sometimes left home alone all night, i.e., his mother spends the night out.

I have filed for custody even though he has lived with his mother all but one year (we were divorced when he was four). I am concerned that to pull him away from his mother might do more harm than good, though our relationship was good the one year he lived me. And I am very, very concerned that his life is being ruined by my ex-wife, who has never believed in any sort of rules or discipline with children.

My two questions are, does his combination of medications make sense for a mildly depressed teenager who has not come close to committing suicide (as far as I can tell), and do you think it is reasonable for me to try to change his life, knowing that the separation from his mother would be painful. I should note he has refused to visit me since I filed a month ago, and she will not force him to see me.

Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Divorced Dad’s Dilemma

A: Dear Divorced Dad’s Dilemma,

This is a complex situation that will require professional help if you are going to get it adequately resolved. I would urge you to consult with an attorney on the legal issues regarding your son and your custody. I know that you stated you have filed for custody but that doesn’t always mean you got good advice on your rights. For example, you may have legal custody, which is separate from physical custody and have a right to say “no” to the medications and any treatment. If you do not have any physical or custody rights, you may be headed for a long and messy legal battle. No matter what the outcome, a long battle will hurt everyone, especially your son. Seek out a mediator who specializes in these types of disputes. This may prove cheaper and more fruitful, in the long run. Many mediators work with therapists or are trained clinicians and can understand the underlying emotional issues. And, if he is involved with drugs, urge the mother to place him in a rehabilitation program. This may be the real cause of his “fatigue” and “depression.”

If your son is truly in a dangerous situation and you continue to feel he is being neglected and/or abused, then the best course of action is the legal one. But, if you are not positive, I would seriously reconsider this course of action. It is obvious that you want the best for your son and are willing to put aside your feelings regarding the mother if it means helping your son. She may not be a perfect parent but she has been the constant object in your son’s life and to change that now could create unnecessary pain for your son. If you decide to take this alternative route focus on building a strong father-son relationship.

Blessings,

Ron

Invite Ron to your next parenting event or conference. Click the “about” link to get more info…

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