Sometimes parenting just seems like a game…that you can never win. The other team has more energy, more time, and more players. To help parents improve the odds, we’ve come up with some new “game plans” that might even the score.Follow the Leader is a parenting tool that can be used in two ways: 1) As a game; and 2) as a “redirection” tool. When using this tool as a game, parents can invite their children to play “follow the leader.” This game is fun on family trips or vacations. Families with more than one child can have each child take turns leading the family hike or singing a song. The leader has the power to choose which forest path to take or which song to sing. Each child (and parent) gets the opportunity to be the leader, thereby encouraging equality and fairness. When used as a “redirection” tool controlling children can be direct their need to take charge of a particular task, such as getting the family together for dinner or organizing a wood gathering party for the campfire. Children who power-struggle with their parents can benefit from this latter application.Freeze Play is a parenting tool variation of the Time-Out parenting tool. Time-out is usually conducted by isolating or excluding a child from the rest of the family or classroom. In this traditional form children are sent to their room, a chair in the kitchen, outside the classroom door, or left facing a wall. Time-Out has a number of disadvantages, the primary one being that it involves the use of punishment that may seem harsh to some parents and children. Some children may become out-of-control or physically destructive when put in isolation or exclusion time-out. Fortunately, parents can use a different form of time-out, that behaviorists call “nonexclusionary time-out.”Nonexclusionary time-out, like isolation and exclusionary time-out, eliminates reinforces (interaction with others). It accomplishes this by freezing the moment of interaction with the child for a very brief, but poignant amount of time. For example, if a child starts whining when told they must wait for dinner to eat, the parent can firmly but evenly, say, “stop!” The parent then avoids eye contact (i.e., attention during the discipline) for a few seconds and the child is prohibited from communicating during this time. Afterwards the parent can nonchalantly carry on the task at hand or use Time-In or educational parenting tool. Be careful not to place too much emphasis on talking about the misbehavior afterwards as it might inadvertently reinforce the child to misbehave again for the attention it gains.It might be necessary for the parent to tell the child what is going to happen during “freeze play” and the expectation that their will be no communication/eye contact during that time, so that the child knows why the parent is “acting this way.” In addition, the old rule of thumb for time-out, one minute for every year of life, can be used in Freeze Play by substituting seconds for minutes (e.g., one frozen second for every year of life.)Huddling is a parenting tool similar in function to the Family Meeting parenting tool but different in form. Huddling is a quick, informal, type of family meeting that any number of family members can have together and can occur at any time or place. Football players do this before every play to make sure the team knows what the plan is and to make clear everyone’s job. Rather that set an agenda and have a formal meeting. Family members can stop whatever they are doing to have a quick, little meeting about a specific problem or task. Parents can play the captain by telling the family to “huddle together.” Put arms around one another for support or just gather together in a circle, face in. Talk about the problem or task and assign jobs or ask for quick input. Decide on a plan of action and say “lets go!” Parents can use this tool at the zoo to decide what they are going to go see first, at the restaurant to decide what everyone wants to eat, and at home to decide what toys need to be gather before going to the park.While these “game plans” don’t guarantee a winning season, they can coach parents on new ways to improve there performance and their satisfaction in parenting. Go parents!
- Changing Children’s Behavior: Take Some Measurements! (parentingtoolbox.com)
- Behavior Charts: Free Parenting Tool (parentingtoolbox.com)
Have you seen our new Parenting Reports Section yet? There are several ebook, reports, whitepapers and charts for parents to build stronger, happier families. Today we are featuring one of our general behavior charts. Get it here: http://www.parentingtoolbox.com/parenting-reports/Behavior charts are a great tool for parents to set structure and limits in the home. Be sure to communicate clearly with children about your expectations and get their buy in. Additionally, be sure that they are developmental appropriate to age and stage. A younger child can’t do as much as an older child but older child also have (or can earn) more freedom and independence. Evaluate your progress on a weekly basis to ensure the tool is working properly. Lastly, remember that a chart is just a tool and not a magic wand. If it doesn’t work for your child, use something else or feel free to alter it as needed.Tell us how it went by leaving us a comment below or tweeting us or sharing on our Facebook page.
- Changing Children’s Behavior: Take Some Measurements! (parentingtoolbox.com)
- Why can’t your child pay attention? (parentingtoolbox.com)
- Top Ten Family Organization Fixes: Attack the chaos! (parentingtoolbox.com)
- Parenting Differences: Attract and Annoy! (parentingtoolbox.com)
- Child Behavior Problems were big concern for 2010 (parentingtoolbox.com)
- Putting on Your Anger Management Tool Belt (parentingtoolbox.com)
This article was written some time ago on how to deal with anger in the workplace. I think it a powerful resource for parents at home as well…Enjoy!Do you wake up in the morning with your stomach tied up in knots? Does the thought of going to work and dealing with your co-workers seem unbearable? Have you ever thought that if you never had to deal with people, your job would be great? Family therapist Ron Huxley shares some tools for conflict resolution.Use prevention to avoid problemsIt is easier to deal with a problem or a problem person if you know it is coming. It’s when you are surprised by a co-worker’s rude behavior that you’re unable to cope with him. Knowing that a co-worker will be rude to you gives you time to plan how you will handle him.It doesn’t mean to plan how you will be equally rude back to him. It means finding a way to protect you emotionally and then turn the situation around, if possible. Finding the right tool for the job to do just that is where most of us get stuck.The anger tool beltDealing with problems is like fixing a household appliance. You need to know how the appliance works and you need the right tools for the job. When you plan to deal with your angry co-worker, you will need an anger tool belt filled with an assortment of anger management tools.Tool #1: LabelsPerhaps the most basic tool available to us is communication. If your co-worker barks at you when asked about an overdue report, respond to him by labeling his feelings. For example, stating “You’re angry at me right now” can actually reduce his anger towards you. The most basic reason for this is that your co-worker suddenly feels understood. It is far easier to be angry with people who don’t listen then it is for people who do.Labels let the air out of the proverbial balloon before it fills up and explodes. It gives you mastery over the emotion by taking the person out of the emotion, makes it a force of its own, to be handled and managed. Most arguments focus on personal attacks and not the problem to be solved. Giving an emotion, like anger, a label allows you to acknowledge the emotion and move on to finding a solution separate from blaming one another.Your co-worker, expecting a retort, may look momentarily stunned by your new response and then mutter, “Yeah, I’m buried up to eyeballs with work. Give me ’til Friday and I’ll have the report ready.” At that point the two of you can negotiate a time for the report that is mutually acceptable.Tool #2: NegotiationNegotiation skills are essential in dealing with angry people. Negotiation is a tool that allows for a win/win situation to occur between two parties who do not already mutually agree. It has several steps: Step 1: Know what is negotiable and not negotiable. If next Friday is not an acceptable time for the report, you are in a much better position to negotiate and not feel used by him. Specify, matter of factly, what is and is not an acceptable time for the report. Step 2: Be open-minded. Be willing to listen and consider the other person’s viewpoint. Stephen Covey, in his book the “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” suggests that you seek first to understand the other person before you ask to be understood. You will increase your co-worker’s cooperation by asking him to tell you what is troubling him first. Step 3: Set a time limit. Keep the negotiation time short to prevent the discussion from getting off track. It usually ends up in blaming each other for one’s problems. Keep things on the topic at hand and to the point no matter how much they get off topic. Step 4: Keep it private. Don’t embarrass your co-worker by negotiating in public. He will be more likely to react negatively if he thinks others are watching him. Ask to talk to him in a private room. Step 5: Stay calm and cool. Don’t try to negotiate when feeling angry, tired, or preoccupied with other things. If the situation gets too hot, suggest taking a few minutes to cool off and then resume the negotiation. Set this up as a ground rule before negotiating if you think a heated discussion is likely. Step 6: Acknowledge the others’ point of view. Even if your co-worker is totally off base, acknowledge his feelings about the report. They are important to him even if they are irrational. One way to do this is to say, “I can see how you could feel the way you do given your work load.” Step 7: Restate the final solution once it is reached. Most failures to cooperate after a negotiation is due to a misunderstanding about what EXACTLY were agreed upon. Write it in memo form if that seems necessary.Of course, labels and negotiation may not be enough. Your co-worker may continue to be rude and attacking even when you acknowledging his anger. Negotiation may falter because he refuses to budge. No matter how you try to communicate, his obnoxious behavior is unrelenting. That’s when you use the tool of change.Tool #3: Change Your SituationMany people believe that they have no choice but to put up with the co-worker’s obnoxious behavior. They let people walk over them because they are in positions of power. It might be a boss who has the power to fire you or your spouse who can make your life miserable or your co-worker who won’t give you the report you need to make you look irresponsible. The reality is that you always have a choice. You can change yourself, the stressor, or the situation. Notice that changing the other person was not one of the choices listed here although that is the one most often chosen. It is also the one that is the least effective. You have no guarantees that you can change the other person. You always have a 100% guarantee to change yourself. But isn’t that being a victim? No, you are never a victim when you choose what and how to change.You can change yourself by taking care of yourself. Are you getting enough exercise and sleep? What is your diet like? Do you spend a few moments meditating or engaging in relaxing activities every day? The better you take care of yourself, the better you can deal with that angry co-worker.You can change yourself by changing how you respond to angry people. Using the communication tools above is a step in the right direction. Your co-worker expects you to act in a pre-programmed manner. Call it a dance. He leads and you follow. Changing the dance steps changes the dance.You can change the stressor by getting more organized. Perhaps if you were more organized you could have asked your co-worker for the report earlier in the week lessening the chances of an angry reaction from him. The more organized you are the better you are able to cope with unexpected problems or problem people.You can also change your work situation. You don’t have to stay where you are. You might think that you do, for whatever reason, but it is still a choice you are making. Even if you stay in the job you have now, you can always ask to be reassigned to a new department or share a new cubicle with another employee.There are always choices. And having choices empower
s us to deal with angry people in a more confident manner.Finding a little serenity Let’s be honest: Life is difficult. This is a basic truth of various wisdom traditions and perhaps, of common sense. But the fact that life is full of problems, shouldn’t be your focus. Your focus should be on how will you respond to problems and problem people. Don’t be surprised by them when you know they will rear their ugly heads again and again. Instead, get a plan and a tool belt full of anger management tools.Use these tools to change your life so that you don’t wake up every morning with a knot in your stomach. Work on you and you may be pleasantly surprised by the results it creates in others. One way of looking at all of this is the Serenity Prayer popularized by the Alcoholics Anonymous movement. Hey, why should millions of people have all the good stuff? If it helps them overcome alcoholism, maybe it can help you deal with angry people.The Serenity Prayer goes something like this: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Finding a little serenity means changing what we can, the best way that we can and not stressing over what we can’t change, namely other people.
Is your child sad or appear to have no affect at all? Is yourchild preoccupied with the topic of death or other morbidtopics? Has your son or daughter expressed suicidalthoughts or ideas? Are they extremely moody or irritablebeyond the normal hormonal twists and turns of childhood?Has there been a drastic change in your child’s eating orsleeping patterns? If you answered yes to any of thesequestions, your child may be suffering from a common butdevastating mental health disorder, called depression.The Problem:Depression occurs in 8 percent of all adolescent lives.Research indicates that children, in general, are becomingdepressed earlier in live. The implications of this is that theearlier the onset of the illness the longer and more chronicthe problem. Studies suggest that depression oftenpersists, recurs, and continues into adulthood, andindicates that depression in youth may also predict moresevere illness in adult life. Depression in young peopleoften co-occurs with other mental disorders, mostcommonly anxiety, disruptive behavior, or substance abusedisorders, and with physical illnesses, such as diabetes.The Risks:Teenagers often turn to substances to “self-medicate” thefeelings of depression. They reject prescribed medicationsbecause of the way it makes them feel and because of thenegative social implications of being labeled as depressed.Drinking alcohol and using other substances may maketeenagers feel better for a short period of time but the needto continually use these substances to feel “high” createsdependence and poses a serious health risk. Depressionin adolescence is also associated with an increased riskof suicidal behavior. Suicide is the third leading cause ofdeath for 10 to 24-year-olds and as much as 7 percent ofall depressed teens will make a suicide attempt.The Signs:Signs that frequently accompany depression inadolescence include: • Frequent vague, non-specificphysical complaints such as headaches, muscle aches,stomachaches or tiredness • Frequent absences fromschool or poor school performance • Talk of or efforts torun away from home • Outbursts of shouting, complaining,unexplained irritability, or crying • Being bored • Lack ofinterest in playing with friends • Alcohol or substance abuse• Social isolation, poor communication • Fear of death •Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure • Increasedirritability, anger, or hostility • Reckless behavior • Difficultywith relationshipsParents often witness these warning signs but fail to act onthem. Why? Because some teens hide the symptoms fromtheir parents or parents chalk it up to a stage ormoodiness. Many teenagers go through a time of darklooking/acting behavior with all black clothing and bizarrehair arrangements. This can throw a parent off of the trail ofdepression by the bewilderment of teen actions andbehaviors. In addition, many teens react aggressively whenconfronted about possible depression by their parentscausing mom and dad to back off.The Solutions:When dealing with teen depression, it is always better to“be safe than sorry.” Coping with an adolescent’s anger ismuch easier to deal with then handling his or her successfulsuicide or overdose. When parents first notice the signs ofdepression, it is important to sit down with their teen andask them, gently but firmly, if they are feeling depressed orsuicidal. Contrary to popular belief, asking a child if he orshe has had any thoughts of hurting or killing themselvesdoes not cause them to act on that subject. If the teenrejects the idea that they are depressed and continues toshow warning signs, it will be necessary to seekprofessional help.If the child acknowledges that he or she is depressed,immediately contact your physician and seek the assistanceof a mental health professional that works with children andadolescents. In addition, parents can help their teen byconfronting self-defeating behaviors and thoughts bypointing out their positive attributes and value. Parents mayneed to prompt their teen to eat, sleep, exercise, andperform basic hygiene tasks on a daily basis. Doing thesedaily routines can dramatically help improve mood. Try todirect the teen to hang out with positive peers. Steer themaway from other depressed adolescents. Exploreunderlying feelings of anger, hurt, and loss. Even thesmallest loss of a friend or pet can intensify feelings ofsadness. Allow the teen to talk, draw, or journal about theirfeelings without judgment. And for suicidal teens, make a“no-harm” contract for 24 to 48 hours at a time when theywill not hurt themselves.With proper care and treatment, depression can bealleviated and suicidal behaviors prevented. Parents andteen may even find a new, deeper relationship developingbetween them as they work through the dark feelings ofdepression.Reference:National Institute of Mental Health Web Site. “Children andDepression: A Fact Sheet for Physicians.”http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depchildresfact.cfm
- Depressed Teenagers: The Problem, Risks, Signs, and Solutions (parentingtoolbox.com)
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that being a parent today is tougher than ever before. Blame it on the moral decay of society, the impersonal nature of technology or the breakup of the home. Either way, contemporary parents feel out of touch with themselves and their children.The solution is not to turn back time but to open our selves up to our children. As stress bombards today’s families, parents retreat farther into their private self leaving a fully functioning but completely unsatisfactory public self to go through the daily routines of work and family life. This deprives both parent and child of the intimacy and closeness they both want and desire.Ironically, strength comes through vulnerability. Letting children see ourfrustrations, pain, and failure can be a valuable lesson to them. Many parents can’t see the wisdom in being transparent to their children. Already debilitated, they can’t understand why they should give away their power. This notion of power comes from a false parenting authority of “Do it because I said so” or “I am the parent therefore you must obey!” This is not true strength. This is force. Strangely enough, giving up this false strength will lead parents to the true power of intimacy in their family relationships.Self discoveryChildren are naturally curious. They love to explore and learn. Parents can use this drive to increase intimacy with their children. The first step is to make/take time out of busy schedules to really be with children. TransPARENTcy is achieved in those unstructured but regular moments with children. It can be in the car on the way to or from school. It can be at a regularly scheduled playtime at home. It can be during the last few minutes of the day tucking your child into bed. The actual arrangement is not as important as simply making the most of everyday interactions with children.To do this parents need to get comfortable being in the here-and-now with children. Children are naturally present focused. They are not worried about their future or their past. Get into that present moment with your child. Be aware of the environment you find yourself in and talk about those things with your child. This is how a child learn about the world. Encourage questions. Eliminate judgment about right and wrong and instead let your child explore ideas about the world to help them find ethical answers. Talk about your child’s thoughts and feelings in as objective a manner as possible and then share your own thoughts and feelings without lecture or sermonizing.Be HonestHonesty is still the best policy when it comes to our emotions. If parents feel one of the primary emotions: mad, sad or glad, share them honestly. Hiding these emotions lead to negative behaviors on the parts of both parent and child. Of course if parents are going through a major depression or anxiety children should not take the place of a good therapist or become the emotional dumping ground for a parent’s stressful life. Instead, parents can model how to manage difficult feelings so that children can learn how to regulate theirs.The truth is that parents can’t hide their emotions even if they want to. Most likely children already know when their parents are mad or sad even if they try to hide them. Children were nonverbal long before they were verbal making them experts of the unspoken expression. If mom or dad find their own emotions so horrible that they can’t be honest about them, maybe children shouldn’t trust their emotions either.Many parents believe that by covering their own emotions they are protecting their children. Consequently, parents put on an act to only show positive feelings. This gives children a one-sided view of life making them unprepared to cope with others in the real world. This form of protection is really for the parent not the child. Children are harmed not helped by this belief.Take risksMany parents who want greater connection with their children never experienced it as a child themselves. It is frightening to be transparent with anyone, especially one’s children. The greatest risk of vulnerability will come when parents must admit a mistake. To avoid this risk parents try not to reveal their inadequacies to their children causing children to mistrust what parents say and do. This is not the way build stronger bonds.If parents want to be an appropriate role model and achieve greater intimacy with their children they will need to admit their humanness. Even more frightening for parents is the idea that they might need to ask forgiveness of their child for a word or action acted out in anger. Forgiveness has a spiritual quality that transcends emotional hurts and repairs relationships. It opens doors of intimacy that would otherwise remain locked shut by hurts and resentments.Taking this type of risks can be particularly difficult for fathers. There is an old notion that fathers must be proud, strong and therefore invulnerable. The rationale is that this behavior teaches boys how to be a man. Unfortunately, it teaches all the wrong things and ill prepares boys for future relationships. Today’s sons need dads who understand the importance of learning from one’s failures as well as successes.Create a Family TeamSome parents complain that the reason they cannot be transparent with their child is due to conflicts in personality. When children and parents have drastically different moods, reactions and motivations, it can make connecting quite a chore. To overcome this problem, parents try and focus on similarities versus differences. While this is helpful, it is also important to concentrate on those differences that divide parent and child.Talking about personality differences can actually be a way to connect to a child. Discuss how you and your child are different and why that makes each of you unique. Explore the various ways to process or react to life. Never define the differences as deviant, just different. Learn from the other person’s viewpoint and discover compromises that fit you both.Parents can use personality differences to build a powerful “family team.” Match individual interests, skills and desires so that each person compliments the others. The role of the parents, in these family teams, is to cheer lead each personality. Make the motto: “one for all and all for one” your new slogan for family transparency.EmpathyThe surest path to transparency is empathy. Empathy is the act of communicating our understanding of a child’s feelings, thoughts and needs without being overwhelmed or taking responsibility for them. This will be tough for parents who believe that parenting is simply about taking care of their child physically and not emotionally. Children with the best self-image have parents who validate their emotions. Consequently, these same children report feeling more connected and open with their parents.Some of the most effective parenting classes have at there root the concept of empathy. The philosophy is simple: You can’t harm a child if you are being empathic with a child. And the reverse is true as well: Your child will be more cooperative because he or she feels more connected. Intimacy is rarely looked on as discipline. While it doesn’t negate the need for consistency and rules, homes without empathy get very little true cooperation. Oh,there is compliance, in the short term, but there is little cooperation. And there is litt
le connection.Fortunately, empathy is a learned skill. It requires parents to do three things: give full attention, paraphrase a child’s words and reflect a child’s underlying feelings. With practice parents can use empathy to create a healthy, intimate relationship with their children.Facing the Future NowIf it is true that families today are experiencing greater stress than families of the past. This makes intimacy more challenging. More conscious effort on the part of parents to counteract this imbalance. While our technology might continue to progress, our relationships can continue to become more impersonal. True intimacy in families require parents to use the skills discussed here to be real with their children. This will require risk from both mom and dads. A change in attitude may be required that is different from how parents grew up. Traditional roles may need to be revised. TransPARENTcy is a skill that parents can practice to enhance family teamwork and connection.
- Why can’t your child pay attention? (parentingtoolbox.com)
- Parenting Differences: Attract and Annoy! (parentingtoolbox.com)
- tranPARENTcy (parentingtoolbox.com)
It was one of those lazy Sunday afternoons and the sky was beautiful blue. White, billowy clouds were floating by as I sat and watched them on my front porch. The only problem with this day was I felt guilty about not being more productive. I felt like I “should” be doing something. Pulling weeds, reading some important journal paper or updating my blog. I remember this feeling as a parent too. There always seem like there is so much to do and I was always so far behind on something. Shouldn’t I be doing laundry instead of playing catch in the backyard with my kids or working on some craft? There were many times my guilt drove me to try and do household chores and play with the kids at the same time. Let’s just say, it wasn’t very effective in either area.Many of us NEED to listen to that inner voice. That bathroom really does need some more attention but for the majority of parents, guilt is a constant critic. It is driven by the need for perfection. It fears what others will think of us. It causes us to forget that our children are more important than a clean dish put away into the dishwasher.As a grandparent, you realize that the moments slip away into days into years into decades and then there are gone. When you realize all the magical moments missed with your child because you just had to prune the rose bush or scrub the shower (or for you working parents, work an extra hour or two in your home office), that is when the real guilt settles in. It is for what you could have done with your child if I wasn’t just so tightly wound up over the little things.Here’s my parenting expert, grandfatherly advice: Spend an entire weekend just interacting with your children and let guilt go for two entire days! Just two days mind you. That means the beds don’t get made, the dishes may stay in the sink (OK, you can put them away after they go to bed) and the home office door stays shut. Oh yeah, and the electronic devices are off. Yes, off!Tell me how the experience goes by posting a comment here or sharing on twitter or facebook.
- Are you proud to be a parent? (parentingtoolbox.com)
- Parenting Guilt is a Waste of Time (parentingtoolbox.com)