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Monthly Archives: July 2011

The Black Sheep of the Family

Some people call them the ???black sheep??? of the family and are content to let them stay that way. Others try to change them and take them to psychologists and doctors. A few give up on them all together. This child is the ???identified problem child??? and many homes spend a lot of time and energy dealing with the member of the family. This rebellious, acting out child is most often seen in dysfunctional homes, where substance or physical abuse is taking place. The identified problem child serves a very important role in this type of family by balancing out the imbalance and protecting the abusive parent from outside interventions. In a lesser degree, even nonabusive families have children who cause more stress and trouble than other children in the home. This child resists parent???s efforts at discipline, is constantly mischievous, and appears to enjoy the attention that getting into trouble provides.

Are you the “black sheep” of the family? How did you get that way and what function does it serve in managing the balance in your home? Read more here: http://www.parentingtoolbox.com/2009/08/25/the-black-sheep-of-the-family/

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All Eating Disorders Can Be Deadly, Anorexia the Worst

Patients with an eating disorder of any type have a significantly increased risk for death, but anorexia nervosa appears to be particularly deadly and linked to the highest mortality and suicide rates, new research shows.

In a new meta-analysis, similarly elevated mortality rates were found for those with bulimia nervosa and eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS). However, the rate was even higher for those with anorexia nervosa, with a weighted annual rate of 5 deaths per 1000 person-years. Of those who died, 1 in 5 did so by committing suicide.

In addition, an older age at first presentation for those with anorexia, especially between the ages of 20 and 29 years, was found to be a significant predictor of mortality.

“It was not surprising to find out that mortality in eating disorders, particularly [anorexia], was high. It was, however, surprising to find out the high levels of deaths by suicides among this population,” lead author Jon Arcelus, PhD, from the Eating Disorders Service in Leicester and Loughborough University, United Kingdom, told Medscape Medical News.

Does someone in your family have an eating disorder? Have you been concerned that they might be but are not really sure? Read on to get more helpful info on this very serious issue.

How satisfied are you as a parent?

Abstract

Considering the effect of implicit motives, the current study examined the link between well-being in important life domains, that is, job and relationship, and the satisfaction of needs as proposed by self-determination theory. Data on domain-specific well-being, satisfaction of needs for competence and relatedness, and the implicit achievement and affiliation motives were assessed from 259 German and Cameroonian participants. The achievement motive moderated the relation between competence and job satisfaction. Furthermore, the affiliation motive moderated the association between relatedness and relationship satisfaction. Satisfaction of the needs for competence and relatedness is linked to higher levels of job and relationship satisfaction, respectively, among individuals with strong implicit motives. Effects were found regardless of participants??? culture of origin. Findings indicate that implicit motives can be understood as weighting dispositions that affect how far experiences of competence and relatedness are linked with satisfaction in relevant life domains.

What makes parenting or any relationship satisfying? Is it how much praise you get from other parents? Can you measure it from the number of hugs your child gives you or track it by how quickly they do their chores? The attached article suggests that satisfaction in relationships comes as a result of ones internal motivation.

The actual social psychology term is “implicit motives” and seems to a hot research term right now. Implicit motives are fairly stable, unconscious needs that reflect emotional satisfaction. A parent that feels a need for close, loving attachments will feel highly satisfied by a child’s hugs. A parent who has a motive to get a lot done in a day will feel satisfied by having chores completed quickly, to use our examples above.

A key word in this definition of implicit motives is “unconcious” need. Most of the time, the need to feel love and appreciated (another way of feeling satisfied as a parent) or respected by ones family is outside of our awareness. We don’t even know that we have this need but we do know when it is not getting met.

There is probably some overlay between implicit motives and our parenting styles. In my book “Love and Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting” I spend quite a bit of time discussing parenting styles. The two dominate types are Authoritarian and Permissive parenting styles. I compare each style to a certain balance between love and limits, two distinct parenting value or what we might call here as motives in parenting. Click here to get more info on these styles.

The Authoritarian style is characterized by “high limits and low love”. Love is defined as the need for affection by the parent or the level of warmth felt by the child from the parent. The Permissive style is characterized by “high love and low limits”. Each style, I believe, expressing a certain need that is mostly unconscious. This need translates into how satisfied a parent might feel. An Authoritarian parents will feel satisfied is a child is obedient or respectful towards them and follows the rules of the home. A Permissive parents might feel satisfied if the child is expressive of their affection and will have conversations with them or negotiate situations positively. The challenge comes when parents have opposite parenting styles and motivations about how they feel satisfied in their parenting roles. This can and often does result in parenting disagreements. If there is not resolution for “how one parents” children in the home, the children will begin to take advantage of the situation.

It seems obvious that one solution to this is increased awareness. Hopefully, reading this blog post makes you more conscious of your parenting style and how you feel satisfied as a parents or to state it another way, why you don’t feel satisfied. Implicit motives can be changed by education and learning experiences. One quickly realizes that your teenager isn’t as willing to show physical affection as he did just a year or so earlier. Consequently, the level of satisfaction, based on Permissive parenting alone is not enough and some change on the part of the parent is needed. In this situation, adapting to some clearer set of limits that are age appropriate and fair is necessary. Standing your ground and applying consequences is too. Neither of these are going to make a permissive parent feel loved but there are going to be necessary.

In my book I make the argument that a “balance” in love and limits in parenting is necessary. To be more specific, a balance of high love and high limits are the best way to parent children over the course of the developmental roller coaster ride of parenting. Parents with difference styles can use their individual strengths to compliment each other instead of dividing one another. If a defiant teens needs some structure, a more authoritarian parent can step in to set the rules of the household one more time. This parent isn’t needing validation from the child to feel satisfied. They feel it by setting the limit. Conversely, a permissive parent can step in when arguments are boiling between parent and teen and a more delicate hand is needed to get through the situation.

Share your thoughts on what makes you feel satisfied as a parent? How do you and your partner compliment each other in your parenting styles?

Are you an aware parent? Let’s see…

http://www.parentingtoolbox.com/2011/05/28/10-principles-of-an-aware-parent/?…

Here’s 10 bits of what makes up an aware parent. See how you compare…

The 8 executive functions of your brain

Are there days you feel like your losing your mind? Ever wonder why your child cant follow simple directions? Your executive functions of you brain be the reason:

http://committedparent.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/raising-kids-to-be-killer-cor…

Child Abuse and Neglect Fatalities 2009

Media_httpwwwchildwel_efmum

The Child Welfare Information Gateway just released a study of Child Abuse and Neglect Fatalities for 2009. It was reported the 1770 deaths occurred due to physical assault or severe neglect. Other issues, such as illness and accidents due to neglect are more difficult to track. Get the full report at http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/fatality.cfm and share your thoughts on the subject.

Get more tools to deal with anger and prevent abuse at http://parentingtoolbox.com/

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